‘Business Breakfasts’ to be compulsory for primary school kids, pledges May
Schoolchildren from the age of 5 will have to attend ‘power breakfast’ meetings to prepare them for future roles as captains of industry, the Tories announced today. The Conservatives have pledged to...
View ArticleQuestion Time audience spend International Aid budget for 127th consecutive show
The audience in BBC’s Question Time has one again suggested spending the £12bn International Aid Budget on ‘anything else, that blatantly costs more'; making it less like an economic wishlist and more...
View ArticleElectorate would vote for ‘sh$t on a stick’ if it wears a blue rosette
Britain’s new ‘Sheepocracy’ has responded favorably to the Conservative manifesto pledge to inflict ‘strong and stable’ servitude on the masses. Unsurprisingly, Tory HQ reported a groundswell of...
View ArticleDementia Tax? May seems to have forgotten
‘Those who qualify for the dementia tax will soon forget they ever signed up for it’, explained a Conservative spokeswoman. ‘Indeed, the fact they had a home at all is something they will barely...
View ArticleElection coverage ‘biased’ towards voters
After a series of complaints from the apathetic, uninterested and disenfranchised, Ofcom has ruled that TV coverage of the election, across all channels, has been unfairly biased against those that...
View ArticleDUP deal hinges on “Downing Street mural”
The Democratic Unionist Party is demanding a massive traditional mural – “something fancy but not too expensive, mind” – on the wall of 10 Downing Street as the price of supporting a minority Tory...
View ArticleHampered by your old manifesto? Try Tory Manifesto ‘lite’
Is your lumbering, heavy manifesto slowing your system to a standstill? Is it causing your machine to fragment, or, worse, losing you a mandate? Try the Tory Manifesto ‘lite’. By jettisoning all...
View ArticleRussia strongly criticises Corbyn’s future acceptance speech
‘How can a man set to increase his majority in Islington North by 4242 votes – including 789 proxies – think we care about British so-called-free elections?’ said a Kremlin spokesman. ‘Mr Corbyn should...
View ArticleLast General Election ‘Did Not Really Count’
‘It is clear that when people voted in the latest general election, they did not really understand what they were voting for’ said Polly Titian, an unsuccessful parliamentary candidate. ‘For example,...
View ArticleZac Goldsmith changes his name to Votey McVoteface
The Conservative candidate for Mayor of London formerly known as Zac Goldsmith has confirmed he wishes to be called Votey McVoteface with immediate effect. However, he has strongly denied this change...
View ArticleQuestion Time audience spend International Aid budget for 127th consecutive show
The audience in BBC’s Question Time has one again suggested spending the £12bn International Aid Budget on ‘anything else, that blatantly costs more'; making it less like an economic wishlist and more...
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Labour leadership contest ‘much too fair and democratic’
Senior figures within the Labour Party have publicly criticised the party’s leadership election process, highlighting how recklessly fair and democratic it is. The criticisms come alongside the sudden...
View ArticleBoris already regretting October 31st tattoo
A Soho tattoo artist confirmed today that he had just spent three hours attempting to remove a tattoo that he had previously designed and inked onto Boris Johnson’s arse. One eyed Louis Pearce,...
View ArticleRotund man in Uxbridge sectioned for shouting ‘just get Xmas done’
Medical staff in Uxbridge have confirmed that a rotund, comical looking man has been sectioned after complaints he was seen approaching seven year old schoolchildren and promising them outrageous...
View ArticleTory manifesto claims slammed by under 5s mixed infants
A study undertaken by a group of primary school children has found that Boris Johnson’s manifesto claims for a giveaway bonanza are at best flawed and at worst blatant lies. Pupils in Reception Class...
View ArticleWere Marx and Engels in Little House on the Prairie asks Brexiteer
A woman who repeatedly heckled Jeremy Corbyn with shouts of Marxist, admitted later that she didn’t actually know what a Marxist was. Asked why she was screaming it at Mr Corbyn, she said it was...
View ArticleJacob Rees Mogg discovered in ventriloquist’s suitcase
Missing Tory politician and Mr Micawber-alike, Jacob Rees Mogg has been found alive and well in a suitcase, belonging to the celebrated ventriloquist, Cardew “leave it out, vicar” Judson. Mr Judson...
View ArticleElection Gains Seasonal Trimmings
As political hustings collide with the festive season, a new terror is now stalking the electorate – Carolling Canvassers. Familiar festive carols are now receiving a ‘makeover’ to carry a party...
View ArticleWhy would we bother interfering in your election?, Russians ask
Russia say there would be nothing to gain from meddling in the UK General Election saying they could not possibly make things any worse than they already are. With just a few more shambolic days of...
View ArticleChange UK’s Mike Gapes heads for Downing Street
Bookies’ odds, along with the laws of time and space, look set to be overturned, as voters abandon the main parties in favour of a man who respects the purity of Bailey’s Irish Cream. Mike Gapes has...
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