The Democratic Unionist Party is demanding a massive traditional mural – “something fancy but not too expensive, mind” – on the wall of 10 Downing Street as the price of supporting a minority Tory administration, it was confirmed today.
“Theresa is ok with the principle but not our designs” said a DUP spokesman. “The Red Hand of Ulster is out because the colour makes her sick, but we can’t understand objections to our second choice. What’s wrong with the pope stroking his Babylonian nipple tassels as he fellates a goat?”
A Tory spokesman confirmed that DUP leader Arlene Foster wanted “a little bit of London that was forever Belfast” but stressed that the prime minister was reluctant to leave any permanent mark on Downing Street, even for a deal. “We thought Arlene would feel at home with the armed police presence, huge gate across the end of the street and religious nut jobs trying to break in,” he said. ” But fair enough, looks matter- look at Arlene. She’s really let herself go since Strictly Come Dancing. I suppose we could do something on the back wall of number ten.
In return for the mural the DUP is reportedly offering extra advice on how to shout “no surrender” at the enemy until the point at which you do, in fact, surrender and work out a compromise. ” Boris – sorry, Theresa – musn’t give in to initial french charms” said the DUP. “But when a deal is close, she should bend over backwards to accommodate whatever clauses they wish to insert into her agreement, even if it is by the back door – and sideways. Vive les freres chuckle noveaux!
