The soon-to-be former Shadow Home Secretary, Andy Burnham, has called for the Parliamentary Labour Party to ‘unite, or something’, as he prepares to leave Parliament for the next eight years, minimum. Burnham, who is making a departure from Westminster to escape from his own party, confirmed that the best way forward for Labour is if everyone else comes together.
‘Things are about to start going really well for me, personally,’ Burnham went on, while carefully enveloping garden gnomes in bubble wrap. ‘I’m about to run for Mayor of Manchester, which is going to be a right laugh. I won’t have to deal with the great unwashed and I’ll be able to pop back in about a decade, win the leadership, and hopefully be able to bring your – er, our – party back up above 100 seats again.’
‘It’ll be really tough for Labour to win the next few general elections, so that’s why I’m sodding off for a bit,’ he explained, as he strapped the kids in the car and his wife packed the last of the glassware. ‘Other than in Manchester. They love us in Manchester. It’ll be like Bono campaigning for election at a Bono concert, or whatever.’
‘So yeah,’ finished the grinning northerner, rolling down the window of his new sports car to toss away his cigarette butt in a ‘devil may care’ way. ‘Work together, Labour. Or not. I’ll come back and sort it all out just as soon as everyone’s forgotten the time when I lost the leadership to a bearded old socialist who loves drain covers.
After all, running a major city is usually a stepping stone to Number Ten. Ask Boris. No, actually, don’t.’
Rumours that the Burnhams blasted songs by the anti-Corbyn half of UB40 out of their car stereo as they sped up the motorway remain unconfirmed, as does the suggestion that his first acts as Mayor of Manchester will be to instate a minimum eyelash length and issue new gibbon-swaggering guidelines within the city limits.
Fred Fortune. Hat tip to Sir Lupus