Following a night of election embarrassment for Labour, Sir Keir Starmer was quick to shift the blame to inclement weather, the fall of the Hapsburgs, Bach’s Piano Concerto in D-Minor and those pesky meddling kids, but for whom he would have gotten away with it. His lacklustre campaign has been beset by rumours that he lacks a pulse, coupled with the awkward moment when he was nominated for Tory MP of the year.
Party officials explained: ‘Of course its Jeremy Corbyn’s fault, what with him not being a Labour MP. He got Hamas to secretly send him backwards in time, to when he won Hartlepool, twice, and changed Starmer’s name by deed poll to Keith’. Calling the membership ‘racist Trots’ has not been the rallying cry Sir Keir had hoped. Likewise, voters have been uninspired by his slogan, ‘Labour isn’t working – for Labour’.